Shame is natural and biological. Its function is the regulation of social systems and structures as well as the maintenance of social roles. Shame protects us from harming others and encourages us to engage in prosocial behaviors. But what happens when shame becomes toxic and pathological? Shame becomes pathological when it’s too much to handle, too consuming, too much to bear. It’s like a having a proverbial devil on your shoulder who’s constantly criticizing you, thus poisoning your inner monologue. The more you reinforce it, the worse it gets. In short, shame is self-judgement and is more intrusive than guilt. It affects us deeply and leaves us feeling inadequate, lacking confidence, depressed and anxious. It makes us afraid of interpersonal connections. It also reflects in our body: we avoid eye contact, we look down, hide our face, we shrink ourself smaller, it makes us blush and our posture collapses. Sensations we experience are nausea, lethargy, and GI pain and discomfort, to name a few.
Addressing Shame
In addressing shame, it is of the utmost importance to identify patterns of self-judgement. We need to explore the broad pattern of self-judgement. We do this by identifying self-criticism and notice the foolishness that surrounds it. We need to:
- Be aware of what we tell ourselves. We need not hide or run away from our thoughts, but rather acknowledge them. When we acknowledge our thoughts, we can be curious about them. Where are they coming from? What is it they want from us?
- Orient and Practice Mindfulness. Find a place that feels safe and comfortable. Allow your eyes to wander around this space. Notice how your body responds to this. Find something visually pleasing and notice your body relax. Take deep breaths through your nose and exhale through your mouth making a “voo” sound.
- Engage socially and talk to those to whom you feel close. Social engagement can help us regulate our nervous system.
- Focus on what bring us joy and allow ourselves to feel a little bit better (or at least different). Show your body and mind that there is a different way to feel.
